STIGMA

It’s amazing how one tiny slip-up can cause all my hard work to go to waste.

☺

Its not unusual for me and my mom to be sweet. To be honest, I think we have the best relationship a mother and child could ever have. As of the moment, I have no idea why I want to preserve this short conversation on my blog - I just know that I really want to. There’s nothing special or new about this particular convo, but it made me really happy. I love my mom so much. I hope she gets home safe. ☺

Me: Hello! Bakit?
Mom: Anong gusto mong pasalubong?
Me: Uh.. donuts?
Mom: Donuts?
Me: Yung honey-glazed. Yung walang topping na plain lang!
Mom: Sang store yung meron nun?
Me: Sa ano…. Okay. Joke lang, wag na. Eh. Kilala mo naman ako, di ako sanay na humihingi ng pasalubong.
Mom: Oo nga eh. (Laughs)
Me: Ikaw na mismo yung pasalubong ko eh..
Mom: Ganon?
Me: Oo. Cheesy ko ba? Basta umuwi ka nalang. Ingat!
Mom: (Laughs) Sige. Bye bye!
Me: I love you!
Mom: I love you too.

Senshitivity

I made a list of things that made me happy (Don’t judge me too much.) because I was feeling like shit. I needed a pick-me-up, and these were what came to mind.

• Orange juice
• “Good morning” texts/greetings
• Road trips
• Sunrises
• Ice cold drinks
• Uniformity
• Hip 26
• Creative outlets
• Infinitea’s Wintermelon Tea
• Taking photographs
• Comfortable clothes
• Intellectual conversations
• Sleeping in
• Uniqueness
• Breakfast
• Good books
• Getting well-deserved grades
• The smell of brood coffee
• Preview (I love their layouts. Lol)
• Orderliness
• Rediscovering old favorites
• People who understand

Shit week

• Eye check-up: I’m going to have to wear glasses already. The lenses will be fixed over next week, so for the mean time I’m trying to adapt to wearing glasses. It’s not that bad, I just hate the feeling of some foreign object sitting on my face.
• It’s exam week, but it can’t seem to register in my mind. It’s not that I’ve been slacking off - I just feel inadequate. I feel like I don’t study enough even if I do.
• I feel like shit for not being able to finish my Religion and Physics exam; not to mention that I found Physics really difficult. I’ve never found myself completely dumbstruck during a test until last Friday. It felt like my pride was punched in the gut.
• I lost my wallet. I cried buckets when I got home with bare pockets last night. Ah well, serves me right for not leaving my savings at home. It was quite strange though - although my mom and my older sister offered to give me back what I lost, I still didn’t feel better. Somehow, the replacement money felt empty in my hands. Iba talaga pag pinag-hirapan. Lol.

J + L

Hindi ko alam sasabihin ko, Jec. I know we’re not that close anymore.. and damn, I don’t even feel that I’m in the right position to be composing this blog post. But despite the gap we have I still love you. My mom does too. Grade school friends are forever, I swear. I got your back, baby J. ☺

I’m not hoping for a chance, but that doesn’t mean I won’t try.

Of Post-Its and Play-Ons

For the past three weeks I’ve been getting loads of post-its and notes from my ‘sister’ in Religion. I have to admit it was awkward getting anonymous letters because its not like I didn’t know who sent them. I was just about to complain about the over population of post-its on my notebook, but then an innocent empty pack of Play-Ons appeared on my desk just this Tuesday. It had a post-it on it saying that 10 special people were to give me the Play-Ons throughout the day. I literally burst out laughing. It was cheesy, but I appreciated it. I was expecting some classmates and friends to hand me over the pens but apparently my ninja of a sister outdone herself. Random people who I thought were hot gave me the Play-Ons. Hahaha it was weird and unexpected.. mostly weird because I wasn’t close with more than half of the people who approached me. Yo ninja, if ever you’re reading this, it was cool of you to remember insignificant details of my word vomit. I noticed the pattern immediately. Hahaha love you!

I never knew that my favorite song was local. It’s like finding out your best friend is your long lost sister. Fucked up, but A+ all the way.

Under Pressure

I really don’t know what course to take other than Film.. and right now I’m starting to doubt the reasons why I chose Film in the first place. Help.

IN 7 WEEKS I MUST BE ABLE TO

1. Buy stupid dumbbells from Toby’s! Looks like I can tomorrow! Finally!
2. Save up for a new iPod..and then actually buy one.
3. Improve my non-existent drawing skills through continuous doodling.
4. Use the fucking journal I bought. Its been sitting on my desk for a hundred years.
5. Fill-up my old-school photo book my mom got me about a month ago.
6. Muster up enough energy to bring the boxes of my old clothes to the Family Council’s equipment shed.
7. Go to La Virginia with my friends.
8. Go on a date with my brotha from anotha motha, Dadang.
9. Write a letter to my aunts asking them to send me (If ever humanely possible because they’re selfish fuckers.) a DSLR for my birthday next month.
10. Decide on my final top three programs for college.
11. Focus on my studies. (Review!)
12. Spend time with my grade school friends.
13. Revamp my bedroom wall with something more “me”..
14. Resist haircut temptation until May 30!
15. Actually talk to someone that I miss.
16. Decide what I want to do or where to go for my 16th birthday.
17. Party with my best friend (superbuwaya) at least once! (We’ve never partied together.)
18. Learn how to ride my bicycle fearlessly. And by fearless I mean cycling without holding the handlebar.
19. Learn how to cook dishes that aren’t only fried.
20. Read a good book.

But there is always so much distance can’t but feel it somehow, but you have never ever felt it like you feel it right now.

You’re my favorite cliché

I really should be studying circles and Beatitudes right about now, but my head’s too cramped with unnecessary shit right now to be able to ingest academics. Now let’s start with the basics:

Recent ‘events’ have really started to tick me off. Back when I was I kid I often asked for signs; the delusional up to the most dull, expected ones. I’ve never really made up my mind as to whether they were reliable or not, I just liked to ask for them. Gradually, I forgot about that sort of shit, but lately it got me thinking. How does one determine what, how and why to act upon something provoking your view or choice of path on your destiny? Impulse? Intellect? Self-gain? I feel like an idiot being faced with these petty superficial problems mostly seen on Teen-Drama shows, but a situation is a situation right? In layman’s terms, I simply don’t know what to do. Yeah it may seem like nonchalant, but I promise you its much more complex than that. I’ve been feeling a bit odd lately. I’ve always been hidden away in my thoughts that I never usually have time to make second opinions about anything. Today’s kind of different, I guess. Its like I’ve suddenly become aware of the people around me. Particularly these certain people I want to make amends with. With regards to that, I don’t really mind not acknowledging existences from time to time. Ironically, I think its sad that I’ve become so used to it. Now we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get to the real predicament here.

Let’s face it, there’s just some feelings and people you can never shrug yourself off of. Its kind of like that bloody Click Five song, “I never think about you but you’re always on my mind”. Basically, its when a person has become so emotionally attached to you that s/he becomes a daily routine. Its nothing special really, we’ve all probably felt it. But what’s life and love without complications? Au contra ire, I’m completely lost in over my head. Reality a.k.a. myriads of blind attempts of non existence VS. Delusion a.k.a. overwhelming flashes of the past. I’m living in reality, fighting surges of delusions. Its making me want to crawl back to my old self - the one side of me I particularly despise. “Once is enough, twice is too much and thrice is stupidity.” I’d probably be the epitome of all things mediocre by know judging from the fact that I’ve, or more specifically, we’ve been through this a million times now. I just want to fucking give in. I want to fucking tear down my walls and talk to her. Beg for mercy and be my real fucking self again. I desperately wanna feel that kind of normalcy again. But that’s just it - what would I gain from being vulnerable? If you really think about it, its like cutting your ear off for no apparent reason. (Lol, sorry Da Vinci) What satisfaction could possibly be found in stepping down from your high horse? None, yeah? Well, I wouldn’t really know for sure because I haven’t tried it lately. The last few attempts were years ago and were of course horrifying and too despicable to speak of. And now…I don’t know what to do. Every time I see her Bow Chicka Wow Wow by Mike Posner plays from the back of my head and I go into a momentary stupor. I mean, this person is amazing, I swear from the depths of my guts that she’d blow your mind..But I just can’t risk my pride for something so tentative that would probably unintentionally leave me in bits and pieces again.

The glory days are gone, but everything’s okay ‘cause we still love our sex and drugs like the good old days.

I’m a miserable asshole.

Fucking deal with it. Have a lovely day.

Late for school

I could stay here for a while..but I really have to go to school to attend to my unfulfilled responsibilities. Fuck.